Dear God...
I Wonder If She Knows
Throughout my life Lord, you've placed numerous trials in the
path ahead. I came to understand that the lessons taught, were to
strengthen me, to prepare me for even greater trials and tribulations
to come. You vowed never to give a cross too heavy for me to bear.
But Lord, this cross is massive, and I can not carry it alone. You
see God, there was absolutely nothing that could have prepared me
for the loss of my child. The pain Lord, is overwhelming and unbearable.
Seventeen years ago, you blessed me with the most valued gift of
all, my first born child. You told me she was really just a loan,
that you needed someone to nurture, comfort, and guide her - to
be her mentor - to be her mom. I was a complete and utter failure
at the opportunity you provided me with, to be her parent. Lord
I failed that precious little angel.
I gave her shelter-a place to live, but disregarded her need for
a loving home. I provided food for her to eat, yet neglected to
nourish her heart with words of love and encouragement. I gave her
lights and heat but overlooked the warmth she needed. I forgot to
hold and comfort her. When she craved peace and tranquility, I carelessly
filled her home with conflict, battles, and strife. I was so quick
to point out her weaknesses, yet agonizingly slow to praise her
strengths. The indifference I showed my first born child Lord, is
unforgivable.
I wonder if she knows how much I admire her spirit and her courage.
Does she know how much envy I hold for her unlimited intelligence
and beauty? Does she know how proud I am of her fierce drive and
independent nature? Does she know how proud I am that she is my
daughter? I failed to tell her. I wonder Lord, does she know how
deeply that I love her?
Instead of patient guidance and loving discipline, I belittled her
for her transgressions. I crucified and sacrificed the child within
her. I ridiculed her decisions and impulsive mistakes, even though
it was I who had never allowed her to develop the self esteem essential
to making positive decisions. I yelled continually, showing great
anger for her. Was I angry with her, or was I angry with myself?
Why didn't I seek the reason for her destructive behavior? Was I
afraid that I was the reason? Is it any great wonder then, that
she chose to escape her tormentor, the author of her pain? She ran
away, Lord. Dear God ,she ran away from me.
I cry for her every day, and for my failure as a mother. I created
a memorial area for her, in our home, a place where I keep her personal
belongings, pictures of her life, a place where I can feel near
her. She is always on my mind. I wonder if she knows, that late
every night, I get down on my knees Lord, and beg you to take care
of her, guide her, and to give her what I did not, peace & comfort.
There is a tremendous aching void left in my heart and soul for
my missing child. I love her Lord, more than life itself.
Dear God, I wonder if she knows...
Mississippi Web Designer and SEO Training Specialist
Copyright © 1998 - 2005 J Walker of GNC Web
Creations
People often ask why I would be willing to share a poem as personal
as this one with the public. At the time I wrote this, my life revolved
around my career and where I thought I needed to be in life. If
only one person reading this poem stops and realizes that life is
not about what possessions you have, but about family, love and
friends, then it was worth sharing.
Special Note: Mother and daughter were reunited one year
later.
Follow Up - September 2006
Forgiveness is a very powerful healer.
When we begin to forgive those who have hurt us, they no longer
have the power to have a negative impact on our lives. Only then,
can we begin to move forward and give ourselves the opportunity
to grow to our full potential.
No one can blame me as much as I already blame myself. No matter
how much I wish that I could though, I cannot go back and change
the mistakes I have made in my life.
Sometimes the most important person we must learn to forgive is
ourselves.
It took me many years to learn to LIVE the serenity prayer, but
it has allowed me to find peace in my heart so that I could move
forward to help others to avoid some of the same mistakes I have
made.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
GNC Web Creations - 133 Depot Street - Post Office Box 8 - Water Valley, MS 38965 - (662) 473-0063
Copyright © 2003 - 2008 J. Walker of GNC Web Creations All Rights Reserved
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